Hope for Adoptees Who Hate Themselves
- Sherrie Eldridge
- Mar 28
- 2 min read
If you love an adoptee or fostered person who is hurting and you are brave enough to ask if they
hate anything about themselves, they may run from you like all cats. And there you are,
wondering if you should ever ask that question again.
Clinicians, therapists, clergy, and those who love the hurting person must come to a new
understanding of this unaddressed reality that is symptomatic of developmental trauma disorder.
Because trauma levels the adoptee’s self-awareness, the question about self-hatred
always be leveled with gentleness and compassion, not a pointing finger, a diagnosis, or judgy
attitude.
The fact is that many adoptees suffer from developmental trauma disorder. A psychiatrist hasn’t
diagnosed them, but many live 24/7 with a brain and body that is changed forever by trauma.
Developmental trauma to one’s brain is not the fault of the adopted or fostered person. It’s not
their fault that their beautiful brains were traumatized through the significant trauma of losing
their first, second, third, or fourth family.
Self-hate lurks even beyond a clinical diagnosis. An adoptee’s 24/7 provides a different lens, but
the adoptee is not conscious of it, for trauma blunts self-awareness.
If a heart MRI could be taken, you could see the self-hatred:
Wildness at parties that pushes others away.
Secret desires to steal clothes from a marketplace.
Hyper alertness, like a smoke alarm that never goes off.
Uncontrollable anger, like a leaky gas pipe.
Unloved by everyone.
Loser mentality.
Panic, like being shot out of a canon.
Unwanted by the world, like a piece of junk.
Is there no hope for adoptees and fostered people whose brains have been traumatized? Of
course, there is hope! Resiliency can sprout roots in unexpected places. And they are good roots,
separate from our painful past. Look for them, fellow adoptees! And, while you do, remember
how loved you are!
And for those who love an adoptee, I applaud your bravery in sharing this. Use the descriptors
above if you’d like for your talks.
I highly recommend the book Healing from Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects
Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship by Laurence Heller, Ph.D.
I didn't hate me, I hated that they made me think I hated me.