I SOMETIMES FANTASIZE ABOUT MY BIRTH MOTHER. Online Adoptee Bible Study

Because tomorrow is Mother’s Day, this chapter is extremely applicable. Mother’s Day can be challenging for adoptees and foster kids. Perhaps this chapter will give you as parents a tool to talk about feelings and perspectives.

I realize the popular term now for birth mother is first mother, so apologies sent. This workbook was published back in the day:-)

The Scripture Base for Moses’ Life

Exodus 2:16-23

16 Now a priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they came to draw water and fill the troughs to water their father’s flock. 17 Some shepherds came along and drove them away, but Moses got up and came to their rescue and watered their flock.

18 When the girls returned to Reuel their father, he asked them, “Why have you returned so early today?”

19 They answered, “An Egyptian rescued us from the shepherds. He even drew water for us and watered the flock.”

20 “And where is he?” Reuel asked his daughters. “Why did you leave him? Invite him to have something to eat.”

21 Moses agreed to stay with the man, who gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses in marriage. 22 Zipporah gave birth to a son, and Moses named him Gershom, saying, “I have become a foreigner in a foreign land.”

23 During that long period, the king of Egypt died. The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. 24 God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. 25 So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them.

The Story of Moses

On his way to the backside of the desert to a place called Midian, Moses met and then married a woman named Zipporah. She bore him a son, and Moses named him Gershom, which means, “I have become an alien in a foreign land” (v. 22).

In this new life as a married man and father, Moses became a shepherd for his father-in-law, Jethro. Needless to say, it was a cultural shock going from a pampered life in a palace to tending sheep in the hills of Midian.

While tending sheep, he could slip away into a state of fantasy. At times he would imagine himself being rescued and loved by a strong, compassionate person. At other times, he envisioned himself as a member of a happy family gathered around the fireside, laughing and singing.

Sooner or later, however, the euphoria from the fantasies turned into disappointment, frustration and anger. Even though the happy family and nurturing person were within sight through fantasy, they were just out of reach in real life.

Moses had no idea that he was subconsciously grieving for the family he lost at adoption. One evening when Moses was deep in thought, bright orange flames illuminated the sky. For the first time in his life, his attention was drawn away from the fantasy to a power greater than his pain.

How Moses Saw God

Moses probably knew only about dead Egyptian gods that he had been taught about in his adoptive home. He had no idea that there was a living God who was drawing him into a personal relationship. He had come face to face with Jehovah-Shammah, the God who makes his presence real and felt. “If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and him with me” (Revelation 3:20b).

How You See God

Please refer to the list of Names for Jesus in Scripture in Appendix B and list three to five names for God that stand out to you. It will be encouraging to look back when finished with the workbook and see how your perception has grown!

You can record your words here:

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How Other Adoptees Feel

My Fantasy

The non-identifying information fact sheet tells me,

as I scan it for the millionth time

for the answers to my questions,

that reading, golf, and water-skiing

were their hobbies.

The irony of it,

for they are mine as well.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to share just one

sun-soaked afternoon on the lake

with my knight in shining armor,

and the woman whose face I search for in a crowd?

–Amy van der Vleit, adoptee

I was growing without a foundation—a tree without roots. I felt alienated and as I grew, so did my need to know. I often envisioned my biological father as a princely figure, a charming knight in shining armor who could solve any problem I ever had. As I continued through life, I pushed these thoughts to the back of my consciousness, yet still he found his way into my dreams. In one particularly vivid dream, we were in a peaceful green meadow with tall grass and multi-colored flowers. This is what I envision heaven to be. He was on one side of a small wooden fence, I on the other. I could not distinguish the features on his face, but he was tall and blonde, like an angel.

–Tammy Kling, adoptee

I never thought I would meet him first. I thought it would be her, the beautiful phantom Barbie doll who stole my hidden fantasies and my darkest nightmares. But in the end, it was my biological father who became real first—the shadowy, formless life-giver whom I, as an adopted child, rarely thought of. My defenses wrote him off as a classic gun-and-run teenage father. I assumed he simply would have farmed me out to grandmothers or aunts for raising, had he nabbed custody.

–Tamara Kerrill , adoptee

I have had difficulty bringing my birth mother down to earth. I have loved her and hated her, but she has always lived above the clouds. Everyone’s mother initially resides with the gods, but she usually comes down to earth when the weather clears. Repression has a way of keeping the weather inclement. Also, one more reluctantly leaves a goddess if he has never lived with her…we search more for our image of the person we have lost than for the actual person.

–Second Choice autobiography by Robert Anderson, M.D., adoptee

“I always liked TV shows oriented toward the ideal family. In fact, I got obsessed with them. I was looking for loving, caring parents that I made up in my mind. I fantasized about my birth mother. She lived in a brick home, but had no face.”

–Greg Ebert, adoptee

Check the statements which are most meaningful to you and explain why on the lines that follow:

I need to be able to verbalize my fantasies.
My deepest fantasy is to be held in my birth mother’s arms.
I don’t know if I have adoption fantasies.
I have always feared that my birth mother would be a bag lady.
I need to learn that fantasy is a normal aspect of an adoptee’s emotional life.
I need to know that I need not feel guilty for having adoption fantasies, for without them, the pain would have been unbearable.

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Learning about Adoption

Adopted children spend an exorbitant amount of psychic time in fantasy. They may seem to be sitting quietly in their rooms, or just looking out the window, when really they are deep in the Ghost Kingdom imagining scenarios that might have been or still might be…These fantasies are not just the passing fancies with which most people empower themselves at various periods of their lives but actual reality for the adoptee’s inner, secret self. They are the mother replacement: the comfort zone that the mother did not provide. They serve the function of the surrogate rag doll that experiential monkeys are given after their real mother has been taken away. They are also a form of grieving, of conjuring up the lost mother, in the same way that children grieving for lost parents are known to conjure up their ghosts. Adoptee fantasies serve a different purpose from those of the non-adopted: they are an attempt to repair one’s broken life-narrative, to dream it along.

–Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton

Putting My Feelings and Needs into Words

Have you idealized certain men or women (mentors, teachers, priests, rabbis, pastors, parents of friends)? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What are your expectations for yourself and for others?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Do you have any repetitive nightmares? If so, describe.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Do people tend to disappoint you? When? How?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Are you ever so deep in thought that you miss turns while you are driving? If so, describe.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Is there anyone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your fantasies? If not, who would be a possibility?

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Many adoptees say that their deepest fantasy is to be held in their birth mothers’ arms. Do you identify with this? If so, how do you think it would be? If not, what is your deepest adoption fantasy?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Draw a picture with your left hand of what you think it would be like to have never been adopted and to have grown up with your birth family. Then explain it to the person you are working through this workbook with, if you feel comfortable doing so.

Writing a Letter TO and FROM my Birth Mother

Write a letter TO your birth mother, describing fantasies (dreams) about what she is like.
Write a letter of response FROM your birth mother, revealing what you think her deepest fantasies would be about you and how you think she would respond to your fantasies about her.

Letters TO and FROM My Birth Mother

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Digging Deep for Answers to my Adoption Questions

Read Philippians 4:19…”And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” What does God promise to do with the gaping hole in your heart that causes you to fantasize?

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What does God promise will happen if you trust him to heal you from the need to have adoption fantasies? See Psalm 22:5…”To you they cried out and were saved; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.”

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How will your life change this week as a result of working through this chapter?

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Thoughts, Insights, Goals and Prayers

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As adoptees, we need not be ashamed of the adoption fantasies we have entertained about the perfect family or parent. They were God’s gift to keep us safe from unbearable pain until we were ready to deal with the grief.

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CAPITULO

CUATRO

“Algunas Veces Tengo Fantasías Sobre mi Familia de Nacimiento”

Éxodo 2La Historia de Moisés

Durante su jornada en el desierto hacia un lugar llamado Madián, Moisés conoció y luego se casó con una mujer llamado Séfora. Ella le dio un hijo y Moisés lo llamo Guersón, que quiere decir “Soy un extranjero en tierra extraña.”

En su nueva vida como hombre casado y padre, Moisés trabajó como pastor para su suegro, Jetro. Sin embargo era un cambio cultural en su vida, de ser un hombre rico en un palacio a la de un pastor cuidando ovejas en las colinas de Madián.

Mientras Moisés estaba cuidando ovejas, podía pasar el rato en un estado de fantasía. Algunas veces, se imaginaba a el mismo siendo rescatado y amado por una persona fuerte y compasiva. Otras veces, el se veía a si mismo como miembro de una familia feliz reunida alrededor de una fogata, riendo y cantando.

Tarde o temprano, entonces, ésta euforia acerca de las fantasías se volvió en engaño, frustración y enojo. Aún cuando ésta familia feliz y la persona que lo crió estaban vistos el la fantasía, estaban fuera de su alcance en la vida real.

Moisés no tenia idea que inconscientemente estaba de luto por la familia que el perdió en por su adopción.

Una noche cuando Moisés estaba pensando profundamente, una llama de color naranja brillante ilumino el cielo. Por primera vez en su vida, su atención cambió de la fantasía hacia un poder más grande que su dolor.

Como Moisés Vio a Dios

Probablemente Moisés sabia solamente de los dioses Egipcios muertos que le enseñaron en su hogar adoptivo. El no tenia idea que había un Dios vivo quien lo estaba llamando a una relación personal. El llegó cara a cara con Jehová-Shammah, El Dios que hace su presencia real y que se siente. “Si alguno oye mi voz y abre la puerta, entraré, y comeré con él, y él conmigo.” (Apocalipsis 3:20b).

Como Sienten Otros Hijos Adoptivos

Mi Fantasía Amy van der Vleit

La hoja de hechos no identificados me dice, Mientras la escaneo por la millonésima vez Por la respuestas a mis preguntas, Que leer, jugar golf y esquiar en el agua Eran sus pasatiempos. La ironía de esto, Es que también son mis pasatiempos ¿No sería hermoso a compartir

solamente una Tarde llena del sol sobre un lago Con mi caballero y su armadura brillante Y la mujer a quien busco su cara Entre las multitudes?

“Yo estaba creciendo sin cimiento – un árbol sin raíces. Me sentí enajenado y mientras crecía, también creció mi necesidad a saber. Frecuentemente tengo visiones de mi padre biológico como un príncipe, un caballero encantador con su armadura brillante, quien resolvería cualquier problema que yo pudiera tener. Al continuar con mi vida, fui empujando estos pensamientos al fondo de mi consciencia, sin embargo, el encontró su camino en mis sueños. En un sueño particularmente intenso, estábamos en una pradera verde, llena de paz con pasto alto y flores de muchos colores. Así es como yo imagino al Paraíso. El estaba de un lado de una cerca de madera y yo del otro lado. Yo no pude distinguir los facciones de su cara pero el era alto y rubio, como un ángel.”

-Tammy Kling “Yo nunca pensé que lo conocería a el primero. Pensé que iba a ser a ella, a la hermosa fantasma muñeca Barbie que robó mis fantasías escondidas y mis pesadillas más obscuras. Pero al final, era mi padre biológico quien se hizo real. La vivificante sombra, sin forma en quien yo, como un hijo adoptivo, raramente pensaba. Mis defensas lo clasifican como un clásico padre adolescente irresponsable. Si hubiera tenido custodia de

mi, me hubiera regalado a sus abuelos o tías para criarme.”

-Tamara Kerrill

Robert Anderson, MD, en su autobiografía, Segunda Elección escribe, “Yo siempre he tenido dificultades para colocar a mi madre de nacimiento con sus pies en la tierra. La he amado y odiado, pero ella siempre ha vivido arriba de las nubes. La madre de cada uno vive inicialmente con los dioses, pero ella normalmente baja a la tierra cuando el clima es bueno. La represión actúa de una manera para mantener siempre un clima inclemente. También, uno no esta dispuesto a dejar a una diosa si nunca ha vivido con ella…buscamos mas por una imagen de la persona que hemos perdido que por la persona actual”.

“Siempre me gustaron los programas del televisión orientado a la familia ideal. De hecho, me obsesioné con ellos. Siempre buscando unos padres amorosos y cariñosos que fabriqué en mi mente. Yo tenía fantasías sobre mi madre de nacimiento. Ella vivía en una casa de ladrillos, pero no tenia cara.”

-Greg Ebert

Necesito poder verbalizar mis fantasías.
Mi fantasía mas profundo es de estar en los brazos de mI madre denacimiento.
No se si tengo fantasías de adopción.
Siempre he tenido el miedo que mi madre de nacimiento sea una mujerque viva en la calle.

• Necesito aprender que la fantasía es un aspecto normal de la vida emocional de un hijo adoptivo.

• Necesito saber que no me necesito sentir culpable por tener fantasías sobre la adopción, porque sin ellas, el dolor sería insoportable.

1. ¿Con cuales de los frases de arriba te identificas y porque?

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Aprendiendo Sobre la Adopción

Betty Jean Lifton, en su libro Jornada del Ser Adoptivo, escribe, “Hijos adoptivos gasten un cantidad exorbitante de tiempo psíquico en la fantasía. Puede parecer que están quietos sentados en su cuarto o solamente viendo por la ventana, cuando realmente están profundamente en su Reino Fantasma imaginando escenarios que pudieron haber o todavía pueden ser. Estas fantasías no son solamente ideales pasajeros en los cuales la gente se fortifica en varios periodos de su vida, son la realidad actual para el ser interno y secreto del hijo adoptivo. Estas fantasías son el emplazamiento de su madre: la zona confortable que la madre no le dió. Tienen la función de la muñeca de trapos que dan a los changos en experimentos después que les han quitado a sus madres reales. También son una forma de duelo, de conjurar a la madre perdida. En la misma manera que hijos en luto por sus padres perdidos conjuran a sus fantasmas. Las fantasías de hijos adoptivos tienen un propósito diferente que las de los hijos que no son adoptivos: Las fantasías de los hijos adoptivos son un intento de reparar la narrativa de su vida interrumpida, para hacerlas un sueño.

Poniendo Mis Sentimientos y Necesidades en Palabras

¿Has idealizado ciertos hombres o mujeres? (guías, maestros, sacerdotes, Rabinos, pastores, padres de amigos)

__________________________________________________________________

¿Cuáles son tus expectativas para a ti mismo y para los demás? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

¿Tienes algunas pesadillas repetidas? Si es así, descríbelas. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

¿La gente tienda a desilusionarte? ¿Cuándo? ¿Cómo? __________________________________________________________________

¿Algunas veces estás pensando tan profundamente que equivocas el lugar donde dar la vuelta cuando estas manejando un coche? Si es así descríbelo. __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

¿Hay alguien con quien te sientes cómodo para compartir tus fantasías? Si no, ¿quien sería una posibilidad? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________

Muchos hijos adoptivos dicen que su fantasía mas profunda es estar en los brazos de su madre. ¿Te identificas con esto? Si es así, ¿Cómo piensas que sería? Si no ¿Cuál es tu fantasía mas profunda acerca de la adopción? __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________
Haz un dibujo con tu mano izquierda de como piensas que sería el hecho de nunca haber sido adoptado y de haber crecido con tu familia de nacimiento. Después explícalo a la persona con quien estas trabajando en esta manual, solamente si te sientes cómodo.

Escribiendo Una Carta a Mi Madre de Nacimiento

1. Escribe una carta PARA tu madre de nacimiento, describiendo tus fantasías (Sueños) sobre como es ella.

______________________________________________________________

2. Escribe una carta de respuesta DE tu madre de nacimiento revelando lo que piensas que serían sus fantasías mas profundas acerca de ti y como piensas que ella contestaría a tus fantasías acerca de ella. ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

Profundizando a Fondo para las Respuestas a mis Preguntas Sobre Adopción.

1. Lee Filipenses 4:19 ¿Qué es lo que Dios promete hacer con ese hoyo adentro de tu corazón que te causa fantasear? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________

2. ¿Qué es lo que Dios promete que pasará si tienes fe en que El te sanará de la necesidad de tener fantasías sobre la adopción? Ver Salmo 22:5

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3. ¿Cómo va a cambiar tu vida ésta semana como resultado de completar éste capitulo?

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Pensamientos, Percepciones, Metas y

Oraciones

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Como hijos adoptivos, no necesitamos tener vergüenza de las fantasías que hemos tenido sobre la adopción y de la familia o padre perfecto. Ellos eran un regalo de Dios para salvarnos de un dolor insoportable hasta que estuvimos listos a enfrentarlos. Porque hemos gastados tiempo en la fantasía, podemos estar confundidos sobre nuestra identidad. Vamos hablar acerca de esto en el siguiente capitulo.

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I SOMETIMES FANTASIZE ABOUT MY BIRTH MOTHER. Online Adoptee Bible Study

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Sherrie Eldridge