Is Adoptee Anger My Life Sentence?

Many of us adoptees wonder if anger is our life sentence. It’s been a constant companion since childhood and even though attempts like counseling have been made to quell it, it’s a strong as ever.

Once a counselor told me to just scream when I feel angry. The next time I felt angry, I screamed in the middle of a session. She jumped at least three feet.

But, screaming didn’t help.

It’s important to understand how anger manifests for an adoptee. It’s a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence around a wrong. An adoptee becomes enraged, incensed, and downright hard to live with.

Anger says, “My birth mom gave me away and I am mad as hell at her for doing that.”

What I’ve Discovered About Adoptee Anger

What I didn’t know until recently is that at the moment my first mom disappeared from my life (at birth), something was borne within me besides anger.

This something grew quietly in my system and couldn’t be identified as a companion to anger. It just did it thing secretly. It grew beneath the surface of my life, yet it was deadly.

It whispers, “You’ve been through the worst hurt. Eventually, I will keep you from ever being free to heal.  I will leave a relentless sour taste in your proverbial mouth….I fool lots of adoptees because I grow beneath anger, like a winding root, delving deep even into your soul.”

The Bible says I’m poison and that I can defile many through you. (Hebrews 12:15)

Identifying Anger’s Unnamed Companion

My name is bitterness.

I am like a bubbling fountain laying beneath the surface of your anger. My roots don’t show but my job is to feed strength to your anger. My mission in life is to make it easy to get upset over things others do, especially your adoptive mom’s many attempts to connect with you.

My message is, “Your mother’s abandonment is the worst of pains and will be incredibly hard to accept or even admit.”

It has taken a lifetime to understand my anger and how to deal with it effectively.

Looking back on my discovery, I am sure it took a move of God to arrange circumstances that would ultimately free me.

In the weeks ahead, I will share some of this with you all.

I hope this has been helpful as you process whether or not adoptee anger is a life sentence.